This blog is written by someone who recently used our services.
You know it was not supposed to be like this. Life was all planned out. What the heck is happening to me? Something is going on. It must be a blip……….
These were the thoughts racing through my mind but by the time these thoughts started I already knew there was a problem, but I had been hiding the truth behind reason. In my mind battling with logic, a logic that I’m a mid-40’s professional person, I am a man of stature; hell, I’m a former Army officer of 20 years, I’m trained to deal with anything. I’ve led men and women into war. I’m a man, I don’t buckle. I am a father and it’s my job to be the rock, not to be broken and weak. This isn’t real, it can’t be. I just need to man up and sort myself out. It’ll be ok………..
We all go through our own evolution of internal conflict, whether that be what outfit to wear for that first date, do I buy that teat, or something more significant. Internal conflict has always ran deep within me so the noises in my head were not new, but this time not a conscious noise but more a subtle, quite whisper in the back of my mind that I could not shake. A whisper that grew louder.
Personally, I had always been a very assured person, able to deal with stress and thriving on pressure. In the recent months Id separated from my partner and whilst I had been in this situation before there was something different this time, something I could not understand, something that I couldn’t control and that scared me.
Eventually, as is nature, the truth caught up with me and on a quiet Tuesday afternoon at work it happened. I had ordered a coffee at the canteen and was walking back across the site to my desk when I suddenly started crying. Within minutes I was shaking. The shaking got so bad that I had to use both hands to put my coffee down. Panic set in. What if someone saw. I quickly found an empty first aid room and sat down on the floor, shaking and crying uncontrollably. I’d never felt so lost, so alone, so scared, but in that moment of fear I found absolutely clarity. I was broken and needed help.
What I learned about myself in that moment, there on the floor, would shape my future. I had realised very quickly that I didn’t know a lot of things, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I didn’t know why, and I certainly didn’t know how I was going to fix things, but I knew right away that I needed help; in fact, I realised I had known that for some time. I thought deeply about perceptions, about what people would think, would this impact my career, how my daughter would react? All these things were racing through my head but in the same breath realised that the only thing that mattered was the only job I could not fail at, being a good dad. Because of that I knew I had to act. It was time to face my fears, then and there. It was time for honesty.
I searched the internet and to be honest found it difficult to find a solution for what I wanted; not that I had a clue what I needed. I agreed some time off at work and called my GP for an appointment thinking that would be as good a place as any to start. Typically, he was on leave so I would have to wait a week for my appointment. In the intervening week I hid away, my mind racing, once again trying to convince myself that I just needed to rest for a while. By the time the appointment came around I had thought I’d cancel it as I was fine, I had had some sleep and admitted I had a problem, but time would sort that out. To this day I don’t know why but something made me go. In my head I was playing out a tick box exercise where I would go, maybe get a week off work to rest and just carry on as normal. In the surgery, as I began to try and explain to my GP what the issues was, I just broke down again, unable to get the words out, all the time thinking how do I explain to you how I feel when I cant explain it to myself? It’s impossible!
The understanding given in that moment was amazing and instead of feeling ashamed and embarrassed as I thought I would, I actually felt empowered; more empowered than I had done in a very long time. I was not being judged, I wasn’t weak, I was just in need of help and this person may not of understood why but they certainly understood that.
Having walked into the surgery in denial I walked out with my head held high and a sense of pride, for the first time in my life id just admitted I needed help. A corner had been turned, I was starting my journey……..
I will write further about my journey and the challenges I faced in later blogs. Having looked back on this time and reflected, for me there are some strong lessons to carry forward. Lessons that I hope can help others from suffering in silence. These are:
Honesty. The first step to success in all walks of life is honesty but the hardest person in the world to be honest with is yourself. Nobody likes to know you’re lacking but the only way to improve anything is to know where you are. Never be afraid of admitting you have weaknesses that need work. The only way you improve anything is by working at it.
Talking is extremely hard. If I had a pound for every time I heard or read the words ‘I’m here if you need to talk’ I’d be a very rich man. People genuinely mean that when it is said but the reality is that talking to someone when you can’t explain things to yourself is almost impossible. Try and not dwell on the explanation, just know that saying you are struggling is often enough to get the ball rolling.
Trauma affects us all differently. No matter what you have been through in life your experiences are exactly that, yours. Don’t measure yourself on others as we all react and deal with stress, trauma and emotions differently.
Strength is not moving past issues; strength is facing them head on. Pushing things to the back of your mind and moving on feels like strength at the time but from my experience it all comes back to haunt you in the end. Real strength is dealing with things, even if that opens you up to being vulnerable. In the end it may take time to heal but you can do it.
Asking for help is ok. It really is. We are incredibly lucky to live in a very understanding and aware society where the stigmatism behind mental health is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. You will be surprised when you open yourself up to acceptance that you need help just how many people you know have been in a similar situation and have quietly been through their own journey.
The most important thing in all this can often feel the opposite but remember, you are never alone, no matter how much it feels that way. There is always someone that cares, even if you don’t see it. You are worth far more than you will realise.